Rihanna revels in her dramatic love life, but part of why there’s so much drama is because she’s scared of something serious. The singer revealed that her love for Chris Brown while they were together makes it much more difficult for her to let anyone in now.

“When I was in love, I fell so hard. I was really, really, really in love,” singer laments to Harper’s Bazaar. “The way it made me feel was priceless. And in a blink of an eye my whole life changed. Everything that I knew was different. I never thought I’d feel that pain in my life. I’m afraid of feeling that again.”

One place they definitely hooked up — for a song, that is — was the recording studio, where they concocted the heavily maligned (if irrepressibly catchy) ‘Birthday Cake’ remix. Rihanna told the mag that she wanted “someone shocking” on the track (big surprise there), but that for some reason, she had no clue it’d cause so much negative buzz. “The fans could have said, ‘We don’t want anything to do with it,’” RiRi said. “I understood that people had every right to be concerned about it. But I didn’t see it that way because I’m in a different place.”

She reveals the whole “good girl gone bad” image doesn’t reflect her personal life as much as it does her career and style choices. “[I’m] rebellious through my music, through my fashion, tattoos, and my hair,” Rihanna admits. “I have been conservative in my love life … It’s pretty much nonexistent. If I come across someone who I find really cool, I’ll hang out. But the minute I find that we’re getting too close I just — I don’t let people in.”

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